A great thing about having a blog
and almost no one reading it, is that its a great way to put down thoughts and
even getting some closure, to some degree. I know I could physically write it,
but there's something about hitting that publish button that's so satisfying
and clear (and instant).
I'm writing a letter (blog post) to
my 14 year old self. Although blogs weren't as huge as they are now. I feel
like if I could read this (despite being a sceptic/arrogant from such an early
age about taking advice or even reading) that maybe I could have done something
a little different or maybe felt a little different. Even if it made me think
or feel better, or even just put me in a different mind-set for a Wednesday in
a school week (one of the most difficult days where there's no resting hangover
from the previous weekend and a seemingly infinite lapse between the next
available lye-ins). As I'm writing, I feel selfish, as if my childhood was so
cripplingly difficult that I need some closure. The epitome of a first world
problem. There are clearly many that suffer still in school, but I hope its not
as jungle esc as I remember. But its cool/ok I think. If I didn't do something
because it feels vaguely vain or self-important then I'd probably not do very
much at all. I do feel some guilt but I take that as a grounding feeling. I do
hold back on a lot of things that I think might put me in a spotlight, even
amongst people I know. I don't love attention and this is just an expression of
thoughts, so I'm giving myself the benefit of the doubt.
Thanks, me.
Your House in Telford
Still your House in Telford
Dear 14 year old Dinesh,
You suck.
Nah, I'm joking.
Chill out man.
I didn't mean it.
Look I wasn't being serious.
You don't suck. I'm sorry.
Douche.
Look bro (people say bro a lot now),
I'm writing (what now feels like a one-sided conversation with imaginary
responses) this letter to you because there are still some days I remember
being you and feeling sore, feeling excluded, desperately lonely and feeling I
don't matter. There are times where I still feel lonely and sore. But now these
feelings are mere freckles on the spectrum of emotion. Now they're fleeting
feelings and things you'll be able to let go of with more ease.
Those people you're friends with, not friends with, despise or
love are not a fair reflection of the evolving population you interact with.
Honestly you'll be able to surround yourself with people that you appreciate
and that appreciate you. Hopefully you'll show you're appreciation to those you
appreciate more often as you surpass me. It'll take some figuring out, but
you'll gravitate to those who you're not constantly attempting to seek approval
from. That you're not trying to impress. That you don't feel falsely a part of.
You won't feel pressured to resort to emulating their 'approved' typically
malicious behaviour. Its natural to want to fit in, but what's important is
that you understand that while you're playing a part to fit in, those people
you emulate don't know what they're doing either. No one does. Its school, a
place where people essentially fall into categories without realising it most
of the time. It feels long but it'll end like most things do, good or bad. Its
ok to be on your own. Its a great thing. Most people have developed an
inability to exist on their own. They despise it and are always looking for
someone or something. Self-discovery is just as important. Keep listening to
music, discovering film and sport. Maybe masturbate less though?
At this point, you're probably
thinking, shit, my english is pretty good. Shit is right my friend, shit is
right. You're grammar isn't great, but you sure can use a thesaurus. Words like
malicious, used so naturally will have you saying Damnnn Dinesh.. People won't
get that and will often mistake it for Daniel, but its Dinesh. Don't you let
anyone forget it!
You do eventually get a girlfriend.
I'm not gonna lie, it takes a long time but someone eventually is sweet, kind
and gullible enough to try with you. She's pretty awesome, and you're a lucky
son-of-a-gun. Also you don't need to change at all to find or be with her.
You're not super confident but that's fine, you don't need to change into a
'massive lad' (synonymous with womaniser, sexist, alcoholic) to find a
girlfriend, in fact, opposing that behaviour, allows you to find a girl who's a
much better fit, who's understanding, generous and kinder.
That's it for now, as I feel your attention span won't handle much
more. Neither is mine to be honest.
Thanks for that.
It might help you or it might not,
but I feel better so that's all that matters, isn't it???
You're
alright kid.... You're alright.
Wishing you all the best in the future.
Yours sincerely,
Dinesh
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