Sunday, 26 June 2016

Weakness

Soooooo I often get asked about my diabetes along with a look of faint pity, but not as condescending (its more a look of sadness crossed with vague interest). I get asked whether being diabetic is ‘hard’. A pretty general question but often suggesting, what diabetes means for me. I say generally its not hard. By that I mean, its not a thing on my mind or rather that its not something weighing me down so much, neither in my head nor heart. Its obviously something on my mind constantly, but there’s no animosity, nor has there ever been, or even self-pity. I was self-pitying immediately for hours after my diagnosis but from then after it numbed. There’s largely a numbers game going on. Its more like a non-emotional formulaic finance/fiscal deal. I feel like I approach diabetes as an athletics or puzzle game. Or maybe its like darts/javelin (because there’s a needle and I physically hurl it (but at myself) and mentally aim but often miss my target) . I just crunch the numbers, try and incorporate the other variables whether its anticipating exercise (my advantage) or an unknown amount of carbohydrates (my handicap) and administer my insulin. The only times I feel any distinctive emotion is when my sugars are low, where I can experience an assortment of emotions. Most of the time when low on sugar, I’m silly and weird, but sometimes I’m irrational and very easily agitated. Also I get frustrated and on occasion I’ve simply experienced misery. I suppose that can be hard.

In an ideal world for me, everything would have a fixed amount of carbohydrates that are easy to put into my formula. All food would also have a similar digestion rate to avoid those sharp rises in blood sugar levels that are difficult to explain. Sadly this is not the case and I find that adapting to the range of food that I enjoy ,or even simply need to survive, is not so easy. Food is my weakness. If I’ve not mentioned before, I love bread and I’m also really into pastas and pizzas, essentially the staples of an Italian diet (and my bloated belly).  Therefore its not so easy to control my blood sugar levels. My primary difficulty is eating out, largely due to the lack of information on carbohydrates. However this isn’t a complaint and I don’t expect chefs to now measure the carbohydrate content in their pasta for me. In fact I’d feel quite odd considering the work that often goes into producing food, in addition to the inexactness of food portions. I also have trouble when meeting friends or when I’m not on my own. For example, when someone else cooks for me I obviously don’t know the carbohydrate content and so the normal procedure is implemented with a pretty big handicap. I can also have, not moments of weakness, but large stretches of wobbly will power. Like an addict, if I get a taste of my crack, and my crack is the most moreish crack you’ll ever crack, then I fall deep into that crack and barely come back. I hit the sack, sit with my mac and blah blah blah, too many words rhyme with crack.
I love crisps.

Food is my weakness, but its all about balance.


I eat things
Bye bye.